Apathetic

There’s been much discussion lately in the wonderful world of blogging about feminism & motherhood & what the one brings to the other. (I could link to many but this is where I started from - I lurv Her Bad Mother.) I strongly believe in the feminist stance on equality (not sameness) & that I can do just about anything a man can do barring some physical limitations. I believe that I should have as many opportunities & advantages for career placement as any male friends I have. That I should be able to receive the same benefits (paycheck) for equal work & that I should have control over any choices that affect my body or well-being. And now, I want my baby to know that she can be anything (almost) she wants to be.

I am grateful that I live in a society that, despite some issues, allows me all of this. I am privileged to have the opportunity to achieve just about anything I put my mind (& money, or lack thereof, but that’s a whole other can of worms) to. It’s just that at the moment I really don’t feel like putting my heart into making any achievements besides raising a happy & confident person in my little girl. I am lacking in ambition when it comes to my “job” & once again I am aimlessly maneuvering through life without lofty goals or aspirations. Or am I? Or have I just transferred them onto my little daughter? If so does this mean I’m doomed to become one of those parents who live vicariously through their kids & will end up a sad empty shell of a human being while I make my baby be the star I always wanted to be? How can you not end up living vicariously through your children anyway? Is it actually a bad thing? So many damn questions!

I just don’t have the energy mentally or physically anymore to feel gung-ho about working. My apathy has reached an all time high & I’m feeling a little guilty about it. Guilty because I should be jumping at any opportunity to make some spare cash. Guilty because once again I am being supported by my hubby. Guilty because even with his support I still don’t do enough around the house to offset the work he does at his job. Guilty because I’ve wasted so much time in my life before getting to where I wanted to be & feeling now like I’ve squandered it. Guilty for failing to strive for more. I just really don’t want any more right now.

I might feel a little less guilty if I could just muster up the energy to get a little June Cleaver-ish but making my home beautiful & spotless simply does not give me the joy & pride it does for some people. Don’t get me wrong. I love having a clean house but only because it feels nice to not be choking on the dog hair & the fact that I won’t be overly embarrassed if someone drops by unexpectedly. It’s more a feeling of accomplishing a chore than pride in my house.

I know that I am lucky to have a choice. That I can stay at home & work from home even if there’s not much work to be had &, even if there was more, I’m not sure I’d be up to it at the moment. I think the problem might be actually having the choice – I’m not very good at making decisions. I want to feel creative & crafty. I want to design wonderful places that people love to live or work in. I want to be recognized for my work & I want the self-confidence to show people that my work is good. Ah there’s the crux. Lacking in self-confidence & an apathetic attitude will get you no where girl.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this (as usual). I seem to have so many good thoughts lying in bed at night (at least they seem so under the fog of sleepiness) so I get up to write them down & they disappear like gossamer spider silk hanging from a light. One puff of air & the thread breaks from its anchor. Anyway, the guilt of my apathy surrounding my career is somewhat assuaged by my new job as mum. At least the benefits are great even if the pay sucks.