Insomnia Insanity

Every night I’m exhausted & go to bed half asleep after watching an hour or two of television because I think it helps me unwind from my day & it stops my mind from racing. Of course when I get to bed it just starts up again & I can’t sleep. I hate insomnia. It just eats away at your sanity. It is not the baby; she sleeps pretty peacefully beside me. It is instead my anxiety surrounding the baby. What kind of bad things can happen to her & what I need to be vigilant about so nothing does? What if I drop her? What if she falls off the bed? What if she starts crawling & falls in the pool? What if I pass out in the tub with her in my arms & she drowns? What if I get in a car accident while she’s at home with Calvin & something happens to me? How will she survive without my boobs? What if someone steals her & does bad things to her? What if I’m not providing the right sort of non-paranoid non-over-protective parenting she needs to nurture her independence?

Holy crap, that’s a lot of what if’s & I haven’t even scratched the surface of some of the delusions I’ve been harboring. This is what the lack of sleep is doing to my poor addled brain. I’m so tired I am falling asleep typing this & yet if I go back to bed I’ll just lie there thinking about what a stupid post this is going to be & why the hell can’t I write something worth reading? And now? My stomach hurts. Oh & get this, once I fall asleep I start having these idiotic dreams like this one….

Calvin & I are in some reality show where The Amazing Race meets Punked meets The Surreal Life. We are partnered in the race with Jessica Simpson & LiLo. Jessica has her new ginger hairdo & Lindsay is auburn-ish. Phil is there of course & I think I get a hug. And we’re off. The girls go somewhere while Calvin talks to an old doctor man about the clue & I for some reason have to go to the library. Not so I can figure out the clue but so I can check my account to see if anything’s overdue & post something on my blog. (Loser!) We are in my old hometown of Winnipeg but apparently close by are the Gatineau Hills. I have to go along the Assiniboine River to get to the next checkpoint thing where my teammates are waiting for me. The girls are sitting around doing their makeup & LiLo starts bitching at me because I’m dressed in my usual best of track pants & nursing shirt. She’s better than me she says because she’s a Virgo, pale & has freckles but has a great tan to cover all that up. Oh & her eyebrows? They are naturally that perfect. She doesn’t even have to pluck or wax them! Wow! So I pull my car up (why I have to drive my own car & not some cool Mercedes I don’t know, but I’m pissed about it) closer to where we have to make a quick getaway from & I notice that my seat is too far back. One of those bitches was driving my car. Calvin is in big trouble.

See? I’m losing it people. Losing it.

That & I watch too much reality television. Tonight I'll probably dream about ANTM models trying to outwit each other on Survivor. I'll say Jade wins that one. Reca-nize soldier soul sista & dwelve into her starshine. The others just can't withhandle her. Sad isn't it?