Friday, August 18, 2006

Open letters

Dear Stompy McDrops-alot,
You are living above me & you are keeping me up & irritated. I don't want to hate you because I don't know you but you are starting to drive me mental. I do not want to be a bitchy neighbour or like that crazy guy from Friends who would poke the ceiling with a broom, but the loud walking has got to stop. Do you weigh 500 lbs? Because it sounds like it. I know that is not nice to say but I can't think of too many reasons for someone who lives in an apartment to not be aware that there are people living below them. Especially since you live on the top floor of this building. Also why do you like to run from one end of your apartment to the other at top speed between the hours of 11 pm & 1 am while moving what sounds like dead bodies & furniture? Because people are trying to sleep. People with a baby. Those kind of people are already so sleep deprived that any more interruptions will soon put them over the edge, probably prompting some broom ceiling banging.
Thanks in advance for buying some slippers,
The one below

Dear Baggage Handler Bitch at Toronto Pearson Airport
Thank you so much for storming into the U.S. Customs office to yell at us about our dog. Because we weren't stressed out enough. No really, we appreciate you not looking us in the eyes while you stomped around our luggage & yelled at us about the size of our dog crate while we were trying to make a good impression to the nice immigration officer who pretty much held our future in her hands. Also, thanks for having the patience to listen to us. Beyotch. For your information the size of the kennel we purchased was the size listed for our breed & size of dog. And he is shorter than your average Dalmatian. Despite your concern, we know that he could turn around in the crate. He could also stand up. Please see picture a couple of posts below. He's just lazy. We know he was stressed but so were we & for you to come into an area where you should know people are already on edge was way over the top. To yell at someone you don't know, not knowing their situation & not knowing what sort of pet owners they are is frankly, none of your freaking business. It's wonderful that you obviously care so much about animals but frankly, screw you.
Yours truly,
Someone whose dog drives them crazy but would never hurt a freaking fly (well, maybe flies... & ants. And creepy crawly basement dwelling bugs.)

Dear American cable provider
Why are 80% of your channels devoted to sports?
Just curious,
Not a sports fan

Dear makers of Crocs
I don't get the hype.
Miss Narrow Feet

Dear Air Canada
Please stop serving PC General Tao's Chicken. It really, really sucks. Also, if you know that summer is the time for backpackers, maybe you should stock up on those plastic bags before the season begins. Because it's really nice to have the seat that cradles our precious baby go naked through the filthy caverns of your baggage carousels.
Yet another traveller who is tired of your crap


Anonymous said...

Oh Lala,

Your are one funny chick. Glad to hear that all is running smoothly. Haha. It can only get better. I'm sure you feel much better after that vent.

Love, Maggie

Mumsy said...

Hey daughter

You tell'em. No, seriously. I can only hope 1) that they all know how to get to your blog and 2) that they can all read and understand sentences longer than 6 words.

Why don't you send this to a local paper? Or is that not done in the land of the brave?

Hope you get some quality sleep soon.



Mom101 said...

Welcome to America. What a country.

And we must have different cable systems, because ours has 80% of the channels devoted to showing Green Card and Legend over and over.

bunmaster said...

Oh that's probably even worse. Actually what I've noticed in the past few days is the amazing amount of health / medication / diet pills commercials. It's really weird but I'm sure I'll get used it soon enough.