Burning Out

That picture that turned into my last post sans words was supposed to be about how that day last year was my due date. And how I had to wait 18 more days before meeting the most serious baby in the world. And how it's almost her birthday & I cannot believe that I've made it through an entire year. And how that light at the end of the tunnel is still so dim. Obviously that post never really happened.

You don't know how many times I've tried to post something these past two months & either gave up or been thwarted by the Doodle bug. Mothering in the hood lately has been a challenge to say the least. The moving, the growing, the teething, & the dog whining have been wreaking havoc on all of us. Don't get me wrong - I like it here & I'm slowly getting us involved in some local activities which, I hope, will give us some sense of routine. It's just that Freyja's separation anxiety is still in high gear & her naps are all jumbled & short & unreliable so I'm not left with any decent amount of time in which to sit down & write. If I start, she'll wake up (as she's doing right now....) & then want to play what I'm playing i.e. my laptop.

Five hours later & she's banged on the keys until an accidental shut down, nursed three times, ate half a jar of plums & apples, shoved several handfuls of cheerios in her mouth, fought through a diaper change with all her strength, screeched when I put a sweater on her beacuse fabric is the devil's work, cried when I set her on the floor beside me three times so I could pee, screamed when I left her watching Clifford for two minutes while I got a cup of coffee (hence the peeing), banged on an empty tin for 20 minutes & had me read 8 or 9 books really fast due to her impatient page turning. We also went down the street to the local community center where they have a drop in play time 3 times a week for a couple of hours. It took her a while to warm up to what was happening but by the end of the allotted time she was pulling my sorry ass back to the push mobile thing she fell in love with & started laughing at the other kids. I think we'll go back & maybe next time I'll work up the nerve to say more than three words to anybody. Afterwards we headed over to the Value Village down the road. This is the best VV I think I've ever been in. Sure there's the requiste bunch of shoddy, dirty, broken crap and a boatload of Halloween costumes right now, but this place has one of the best selection of books I've ever seen. Plus, buy three & get one free. Woo hoo! Today I bought 4 paperbacks & 9 children's books for $14. It's closer than the library & I don't know who is dropping stuff off there but I hope they keep doing it because reading is one of the only things helping me keep hold of my sanity.

Barely.

Calvin is trying to give me breaks from the devil child & it is slowly getting better. Better meaning she doesn't necessarily break into a vomit inducing crying/ screaming fit every single time he picks her up. Now it's maybe only every other time. Poor guy. Poor baby. Poor me.

Yes. Oh woe is me. Oh please feel sorry for me. No one else ever had it this bad. My life is hell. Blah blah blah. Ack! I'm making myself even more depressed with this stupid pity party. I'll stop now & spare you more whining. Too bad that's all I want to do lately. That & feel burning bitter jealousy towards fellow (mommy) bloggers who have their shit together enough to actually spare a few moments to write something smart / witty / funny / whatever. I really can't even begin to fathom how they are doing it. I'm so burnt out that if I do get a free 20 minutes to write most times I'd just as soon veg in front of the mind numbing tv. Because I know that if I started to write something it would end up just like this.

Boring, self-pitying & repetitive. Sorry folks... I'll try harder next time.